Initiation by Fire…
Transformation, transition, leadership, and responsibilities.
Writing has become a bit of a struggle for me lately. And even though it is the most natural way for me to express myself, words are hard to come by. Thoughts and phrases are all jumbled and they don’t make sense in my mind. But still, I find myself wanting to liberate myself, my feelings, and my emotions. So here I go hoping that in the end, it will all make sense.
I have been going through a lot of changes internally, emotionally, energetically, and mentally. In very subtle but real ways my physical reality has been slowly catching up. Where I see this most powerfully is in the dynamics between my parents and myself.
The natural cycles of life are directing my role from daughter to leadership. It is a confusing place to be and I would even dare to say scary. All of a sudden there is so much to think about. So much to take care of. Every nuance shows itself and all of it becomes so important.
My parents are growing older by the minute and both are health-delicate. Thinking about their transitions and making sure that everything is in place has become front and center for me these days. Taking the role as their primary caregiver is not as easy when you have such a stubborn father.
But I understand his stance. It must be hard to see yourself as the one needing help when you are used to being the leader all your life. Facing your own mortality and realizing that one day you won’t be here.
As the daughter it is a mixture of emotions to notice your parents getting older each day and realizing that I won’t have them around forever. It is also a celebration of their lives, their accomplishments, and their achievements. It is time for me to find a balance between being there for me and being there for them.
It is a time for healing, letting go of resentments, and making peace with the past. Knowing that both of them did the best they knew to do and loved us the only way they knew how. Today, I can say that I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to heal alongside them. Blessed to be able to have deep dialogues where forgiveness and accountability take place. Blessed to have them both in my life and to be able to have a higher perspective on their lives, our childhood, and life while they are still here present each day with me.
